Consistently Indecisive

What do I want? With the blink of an eye, I have swapped between two very different paths in my life. One is setting everything down (all my dreams, plans, ambitions) and completely supporting Simon's music. Last night, while watching the excitement of lights, loud music, and screaming admirers of the Minus the Bear show, I could not help but think about their friends, wives, or girl friends on side stage having the times of their lives on tour. Even thinking about it now makes me envious. And the musicians. The stars in Matt and Simon's eyes could have blinded you. Anyone could tell they were dreaming. That is where they wanted to be. Where they should be. The guys up there have is made. Not because they make a lot of money, or even the fame, but the fact that they were making a living doing art. They were doing what they love. That is Simon's dream. 

Normally, just knowing how happy it would make Simon would make this decision easy, but things have gotten complicated. Since a band requires the support of every one in it, it can be hard to keep the memento going. Honestly, if everyone in the band had the same drive that I see in Simon, they would probably already be opening for Minus the Bear. Well, maybe not that far, but things would be rolling a lot more quickly. Their sluggishness makes me nervous about pouring all that we have into their band. We would be letting our future fall on the shoulders of the unstable people around us. 

For me, I think one of the hardest things about my dilemma is the necessity of letting go. There really shouldn't be planing or control here. Going the route of the band will require risk, and that is scary, but our lives will be full of risk. I know that Simon gets really frustrated with the continuing flakiness, but I guess that is part of the experience. That is what comes with being in a band.

The second choice would probably be an easier route. It would involve fun, excitement, and happiness, but has the potential of Simon giving up his music. That is why i don't think we can go it. I mean, either way i think I'm set. I will finish school here, and eventually go somewhere to finish my degree. After that I go where life takes us. I however, will always have the option of art. Simon would go to school for an electrical engineering degree, and hopefully get a job working with amps and pedals. Even though he would still play music, it wouldn't be his primary goal. It would, however, be secure.

My selfishness attracts me to that one. I mean I get my art, career, and security. Thats what the american dream is. Well, maybe minus the art. Simon acts like he likes the idea, and maybe he does, but I am afraid that 20 years down the road he will regret not giving music a better chance. He would look at a rock star on stage, using his pedal, and be sad it was not him. That is just not fair. 

I think in the long run i do have to let go. Wether or not Simon becomes a famous musician, I am not in control. Simon can be in a band where ever we go in life. If they get big and stay together, then that is the path we will take. In the mean time we wont just sit around and do nothing. we will go to school for things we love, move if we need to, and just stay happy. Why can't Simon be the guy who designs peddles and the rock star that plays them? Our exact future is out of my hands but we know what we love and the paths we will choose as they get closer. We will be happy.